“God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them”
Franz Kafka quotes (German Writer of visionary fiction, 1883-1924)
People of Merica it is time we finally take a stand and get this whole nut insanity (NO PUN INTENDED) straightened out. I have been very intensely conducting a VERY loose survey regarding how the various types of nuts stack up against one another.
Well this is it, this is your chance to come in and defend your favorite nut while for the love of GAWD hopefully insulting your least favorite. Below you will find my ranking. Just because I don't mention your favorite here doesn't mean you shouldn't so take up arms and let's get to business!
One rule I am laying down is, I don't want to hear anything about "well this nut sux because I have to get the shell off, and sniffle sniffle sniffle. I don't care about the shell, all nuts can pretty much be purchase shelled. If you can't afford such shelled nuts, then what are you doing on the Internet!? Oh, and don't even start with, "well in a mixture of nuts this one is good, blahdy blahdy blahh". This is a nut on its own with no others to prop it up.
1. Almonds: Yes top spot for the following reasons; Love the texture, has a nice refreshing taste that isn't overly oily and can take on virtually any flavor and pulls it off with flying colors. A festival for the mouth. Huzzah! Huzzah! Oh and lastly, can anyone say Marzipan!!!!!
2. Hazelnuts: Very good, robust flavor, lots of applications. Comes in and takes desserts to the next level. THE NEXT LEVEL PEOPLE! Really popular in Germany and that makes me happy.
3. Macadamia Nuts: Wow, if you haven't been to Hawaii you have no idea how a nut can define a tropical destination. While being great plain or, my all time favorite, toffee covered the macadamia nut really stands on its own. The macadamia also traverses with ease the various sorts of chocolate out there. It works super nicely when "encrusting" meats such as fish or chicken as well. The least healthy nut BY FAR so watch out.
4. Peanuts: Okay, not too huge of a fan here but I gots to pay my respects to this one, I mean peanut butter, Thai peanut sauces (please go out right now and get some green beans and dip them in this, you will not regret it I promise you). Cookies, getting gum out of your hair, you name it the peanut is probably like 3 degrees of Kevin Bacon away from solving the task at hand. Often imitated, never duplicated (ya hear me cashew, you coward).
5. Walnut/Pecan: So, before anyone rakes me over the hot coals of shiva on this one. You do have to admit they are similar. I find the very thin skin on these nuts bitter so their use to me is limited. I love walnut in cookies and pecan pie ain't bad at all. Sorry guys you have much to compete with, nobody said it would be easy to be the best nut and neither of you are.
6. Brazil nut: Um wuh? Uh okay, a weird one but not the worst, I've had like 5 of these in my life so you know, whatever.
7. Cashews: Don't let the cashew fool you. It is a peanut impostor! It's like "hey, eat me, I'm like a big curvy peanut that is slightly creamier". Cashew, if I could end your existence I soooo would, you lackluster imitator.
Fin!
16 comments:
I must disqualify your entry of the Peanut on the list. As everyone knows, peanuts are not nuts! They are legumes.
Here's the problem, nuts are the oily dry fruits/seeds of certain plants. To classify as a nut, you have to be a simple, dry, fruit that contains one (or in some rare instances two) seeds in which the wall of the plant's ovary becomes hard and dry (as like stone or wood) as it matures.
Legumes, on the other hand, are the seed of a plant from which the ovary produces a fruit taking the form of a pod. The seeds within the pod are usually bifurcated, splitting into two sides. Beans, Lentils, Lupins, Mesquite, Peas and Peanuts are all legumes.
My Favorite Nuts: The Cashew! Not only is it a lovely curly nut(as you must agree, having pictured them for your entry), it has such a wonderful sweet/buttery flavor. Yumm! Coming in a close second is the Macadamia. Again lovely flavor and also because you can do lovely things with them and a little melted chocolate! Oh, and Almonds are really good smoked!
My Least Favorite Nuts: The Brazil Nut – I hate the texture! Filberts! Yuck! They are just wrong. They're close to a Hazelnut (of which I am not at all fond) but they tend to be a bit bitter. And the worst of all – Were peanuts an actual nut… then boiled peanuts! Yuck! They are slimy and thoroughly unpleasant!
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
Redd Foxx
American Stand-Up Comedian/Actor/Visionary
(December 9, 1922 – October 11, 1991)
For me:
1. Pecan - Oh so tasty, especially in pie and any cookie, candy, etc. Yes, the skin is bitter, but the flesh is so yummy. Anyplace a dessert recipe calls for nuts I will try and substitute pecans.
2. Cashew - A nice oily crunch with tasty flavor. Probably my favorite plain-nut to eat without being in food or baked goods.
3. Peanuts - I love honey-roasted peanuts, and crunchy peanut butter.
...
50. Almond - Almonds are ok...not my favorite
...
98. Hazelnut - This over-rated bastard of a nut is only popular because of those damn Ferrero Roche hazelnut candy commercials at Christmas time. Smother anything in chocolate, wrap it in gold foil, and some sucker will buy and eat it.
99. Macadamia Nuts - I've never had a good one. Even fresh-from-Hawaii from a co-worker, they always taste stale to me.
100. Walnut - This bitter-tasting squirrel-snack is my least favorite nut of them all. Not only are they a pain in the ass to crack open without mangling the flesh, but they just don't taste good. Ewww.
And I seriously dislike those last three that much to number them 98, 99, and 100 - I'm not just trying to pretend I'm Anti-Sean.
What about the poor pistachio? I love pistachios!
I find it hard to rank nuts this way, since so much about how nuts taste is the context they are in. For example, I'm not a huge fan of hazelnuts, but Nutella? I think you get my point.
We have already discussed the concept of cashew as the Bud of nuts. It's easy, it's likeable. It's not flashy.
Almond is the thinking person's choice, IMO. Lovers of pecans are brave and true. Those with passion for the walnut are truly adventurous; the walnut, when its bad, is very, very bad. Plus, they make my mouth itch.
Brazil/filbert...just aren't on my radar. They make me wonder why the makers of nut mixes continue to include them. Shouldn't there be some sort of consumer revolt here?
I love me a good peanut. Despite the technical issues with their inclusion, they are here as a nut, and therefore...MY FAVORITE.
Ah the pistachio, I had forgotten that one. Most definitely one of my favorites. I made some baklava once with it, and it was AMAZING! Like unicorns would have been so down with it amazing.
The pistachio is another good mention, but I don't like them plain. When they're flavored in the shell, then they're worth the effort to shell and eat. They're good in food, too.
When I was in first grade I found a bunch of pistachio shells on the ground and brought them in for show-and-tell because I thought they were clam shells. I thought it was a pretty big deal finding clam shells in the middle of Nebraska and that made them show-and-tell worthy.
Oh dear, that childhood story is unreal. Once my friend and I found some chew in a field and tried it. We both vomitted and went home and never brought it up again.
Oh how I love the peanut
When salty and roasted fine
I munch it as a snack
To fill this belly of mine.
I cook it in my food
From Kung Pao to Satay
This humble, nutty food
Is the shining star of Fabaceae.
Some people are allergic
Why hath God cursed his flock?
They avoid peanut pleasure
For no anaphylactic shock.
All other nuts are inferior
Though technically a legume
The peanut is the master
Of all nuts you can consume.
Dear Sean, you must know
The peanut is my number one
I shall love it as the best
Edible nut under the sun.
Jason,
I cannot believe your friend Sean went and dissed you like that! Here, you share a poignant (and telling) story of your youth and Sean talks about vomit. I'm amazed he didn't start his story "...and this one time, in band camp..."
Snappy, nice photo! Never been to a peeps strip club (a "Peeps Show?") but now you've made me excited and hungry!
I'm going to have to work on my dream project now... A Peeps Porn Flick! Oh! Look those miniature marshmallows on her! Quick, grab your licorice whips!
Sign me:
Titillated in Tulsa
Titillated -
That's just the way Sean rolls, so I've come to expect such behavior. We've been bitter enemies since high school.
One time, he deleted my save game on Super Metroid. That's when it was on like Donkey Kong. [tsk, tsk...I just used a video game idiom to describe a video game incident]
Don't worry, I got him back by making his cat insane via a healthy dose of catnip.
He then stole my girlfriend ;-)
But that's when I got him back by leaving some used chew in a field...
It wasn't pretty what happened to that cat after that day.
Capital conversation, gentlemen.
God I'm so glad someone brought up pistachios. Here's the proper list:
cashew > macadamia > pistachio(s) > almond > pecan > peaNUT > sunflower seeds > coffee beans > getting teabagged
I ran out of nut names because in truth, I refuse to remember the names of the ones I don't like.
they are dead to me,
Zac
Coffee Beans? Oh nabbercow, you are truly dancing on the razors edge. I will not tell Guatemala on you.
Snappy, your poem is first rate. Way to stand by your peanut.
Nabbercow has a cracking addition by naming coffee. If we're counting the pistachios as a "nut" then the coffee bean is of the same classification as a drupe. Though typically it is not consumed in the same fashion as nuts...
And if we're going that far as to just throw any old seed out there as a "nut" then I must submit the wonderful seed of the morning glory. A handful of those covered in chocolate are Divine.
I love that poem, Snappy. My eyes are misting, and my throat is filling. Oh, wait, maybe that's my peanut allergy.
(No, really, I love peanuts AND the poem.)
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